un-comfortable

before getting comfortable
with the growth,
the tough love,
the discipline,
the use of power,
I got really uncomfortable.

sought ways,
like many others,
to get the mind off at the moment.

though usually not the most desperate types,
there were some desperate attempts.

one night, actually, mid-night,
anxiously texted 10 different people,
nothing serious, just - "Hey! How are you doing?"

with the hope of someone being awake
to help feel a little less alone;
someone to talk to
all about them, but talk.

but gladly, and thankfully,
no one did. Turned out,
all were fast asleep that particular night
or didn't bother to reply.

did get one reply though.
a boy - not my usual type,
for all the obvious reasons, and vibes;
chatted a bit, made hollow ambiguous plans,
and then he slept on them - like always.

but I, I was wide awake
that night, and the night before.
and the night before that.

most friends knew
the troubles I'm having to sleep,
but nobody knew it was this BAD, or REAL.

so I got real uncomfortable,
like really really uncomfortable,
and anxious, and desperate,
and in a dire need for a distraction

but didn't wanna fill me up with hollow things.
was pretty clear about that.
just that sometimes even the best warrior
needs to catch a breath,
and can use a warm hug or a helping hand.

so got real uncomfortable,
for many days, many nights.
hampered work, health,
pretty much everything.

but then, days turned into weeks,
and weeks turned into a month,
and I remained with myself 
being uncomfortable.

and since no one showed up, or called.
and the desperate attempts failed desperately.
once again, I had to be there for me.

had to lie there in the pool of my own misery,
in the mess that's partly my creation at least
and felt what it was to be truly uncomfortable;

all parts of it, the 'why I'm being so naïve and reckless',
the 'will never do this again',
to 'why do I always do this' phase,

felt all parts of it and let it tear me up a bit
and the walls I built so high, no one could reach.

got comfortable again in dealing with discomfort
got comfortable with people not being there,
not being understanding, and being judgmental

not that it should be that way
but at least that's what it was for me
and has been many times

get uncomfortable,
face my demons alone,
and then get comfortable 
with being your own savior.

that's how it works for some of us;
some of us - who only have themselves to lean on,
themselves to hold on to.

so forgive me if I become comfortable
with being distant,
and outgrow the need to have you around

of course, humans need a human's touch
every once in a while,

but forgive me if I become too comfortable with
not having you or the need of you
for I've grown to thrive when I "have not".
 
 ***